Dear Parent of the Independent Daughter

You know, that child. The one who always has to tell everyone what she is thinking. The one that would jump off a cliff just to prove a point to you. The one you lay awake at night worrying about. That is the one I am talking about. As a painfully independent woman, who was once that daughter, I am here to tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get easier, but it gets better. 

Now that my husband and I are expecting our first child I know I will have one of these. How does someone so independent and driven not have at least one clone of me? I know it will be infuriating to basically feel like I am watching myself in third person twenty-some years ago. But I know how rewarding it is to be the person I am today. I will grin it and bear it because I know the end result will be worth it. 

As a child I always thought I was the weird one. I was the outcast in school. Not because I was dorky or nerdy or fat. It was because I was honest. Even at a young age I found honesty to be an appealing trait in others. If you weren’t going to be honest with me you would still hear my two cents. Not exactly a trait that is well received in the 3rd grade. As a parent of that girl, please make her feel like her honesty is a good thing in some instances. I can tell you it is painful to have people shun you for who you are naturally. 

 

Someday your child will just accept who she is. After a lot of fighting the inner turmoil she will accept this strong, independent personality is not something we can just shed. We will all have boyfriends where we pretend to be whatever we think he wants. Which is usually agreeable and quiet and dependent. Please use the grin and bear it technique. This is one of the most important lessons I learned. I needed that boyfriend (or boyfriends) to teach me to love myself. It was the most liberating experience when I broke up with the last one. It was not because he was a bad guy (he wasn’t at all). It was because I realized he didn’t love the real me. I was twenty two and I was ready to wait around for a long time to meet a man who would love me for every independent, brutally honest, loud cell in my body. It took me about three weeks to find said guy, joke was on me. 

 

It took me more than twenty years to really begin to love and accept who I am. In adulthood, I have mastered the art of being honest without being crash. I have learned there are times to keep it to yourself. I have learned all of those good lessons that most human beings know, but I have learned to still embrace who I am. I have no problem going to something by myself. What intimidates others is no big deal for me.

One of the hardest things for me to learn is that my personality does not have to be a hinderance to a successful marriage. Growing up we are taught your partner should complete you. I’m not sure who started this, but that doesn’t work for us independent ladies. Every time I tried to find someone to complete me, I felt smothered and became someone that isn’t recognizable. The bonus of being independent is we do not need a relationship to feel fulfilled. However, the compliment of our partner makes it something so much stronger and more complete than we ever could have imagined. 

 

We will always be brutally honest. We will always want to carry our bags ourself. We will always make mistakes trying to figure things out ourselves. I apologize for a lifetime of frustration ahead. It is just in our DNA. But you will never have a more loyal, adventurous child. We will always push new boundaries, we will always be working on something new, and we will always be there when you need honest advice on your new haircut. 

 

Like I said, it doesn’t get any better but it does get easier. Thank you for loving us for who we are and raising us to love the strong woman we will become.