For years I was made to feel like my emotions aren’t justified. They are always linked to hormones. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard I must be PMSing because I’m mad about something. Believe me, when I’m feeling ugly I don’t need a period to do it. My point is, everyone has a right to their emotions. Whatever it is, you have a right to feel that way.
A few weeks ago I had a personal realization. After years of struggling with getting sick before big events, being bothered by routine changes and snapping at my loved ones when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’ve realized I suffer from anxiety. I’m not one to be ashamed of admitting I have something like anxiety. Now it is the next step. Figuring out what I do with this and how to deal with the anxiety. The swing of emotions are so challenging for me to deal with. Especially when dairy farming is such a tough place to be right now.
What I do know is I need to start accepting what I am feeling instead of going to flight zone. When I look back at situations in my past and I think about how I reacted and it’s so obvious it isn’t normal. Those ugly feelings are something that I just thought everyone had, I realize it’s not.
When we were struggling with infertility I was so emotional. For the first year, when we simply didn’t get pregnant was one thing. During that time I was okay. It was frustrating but I couldn’t change it. Everything changed when we lost that first pregnancy. I’m sure there was a hormonal part to my devastation. To put it simply I was destroyed on the inside but I thought I needed to be tough because everyone else was. I didn’t know anyone who had a miscarriage or if I did they never seemed bothered by it. I felt like I had to be stoic about it.
At the time I knew of very few people who could even vaguely understand about our struggle with infertility, not to mention a miscarriage. Thankfully our friends and family didn’t understand but they let me be ugly. They listened and never judged. They let me say things I would never say to anyone else. This experience made me realize we just need to own these emotions.
Give yourself the grace to be ugly for a while. Your feelings aren’t inappropriate. Own the feelings. Ask for help when you need them. Talk to someone when you need it. Feeling ugly doesn’t mean you have to be ugly.
What is your strategy to dealing with those ugly feelings?
Thank you for this blog. I recently lost my husband and have been diagnosed with anxiety. I also had fertility issues, loss of two grand children within two years, a loos of my brother and experienced the same feelings. I’m middle-aged and drs thought it was hormones. When my spouse passed i acted angry and due lack of oxygen my face would turn blue. ( To cope with with my anxiety I was holding my breath) Drs. Thought I had a blod clot. I have learned to deal with my anxiety and yes its okay to feel the feelings you feel . I realized this when I lost my spouse at young age.
Oh Carol, I cannot imagine being through everything you have been. But you are so strong to still be here and fighting. You are an inspiration to me and after everything you totally deserve to own those ugly feelings.
We’re all ugly one way or another. Thanks for sowing that ugly is normal and ok
So true! We all are and there is nothing wrong with that. Thanks for reading!